I spent time alone yesterday being and not doing..just being.....the upshot was a feeling of connection with myself that's new.....It was a positive thing.  The anxiety I've been feeling changed last night and instead of anxious I felt the deepest pain I've felt in these nearly 2 years.  Not the raw lying on the floor in a fetal position of last year but a deep ache in my soul.  The realisation that I can't manage it, push it away or control it has left me more open to it.  Oh my it's uncomfortable...It's a deep pain in my belly....some moments it feels unbearable...and then others ok. I felt calm though despite feeling it.  I could feel it's shape...it's sides.  It's not endless however endless or bottomless it feels.  I don't fear it anymore.  There's feelings for what I would call 'acceptance'...'but it's not the 'acceptance' I strove for in those early days for that doesn't exist.  I thought 'acceptance' was a feeling of being normal again, no more feelings of grief, happy.....that doesn't exist and that's not acceptance.  That's denial.  'Acceptance' I now think is 'accepting all of these feelings' and of my loss.  Accepting that grief is part of my life as are the complicated feelings that come with it. Accepting that I will always mourn Claire and my old life just like I'll always miss my mum and other people I've loved. You don't move on....you move forward and you rebuild with all of the above incorporated in your new life.

A day of stillness

A day of stillness…..

Today, I’ve done nothing….nothing on my own……I’ve sat by the river, watched the sky, listened to the water……I haven’t achieved anything in the normal ‘doing’ sense. But I’ve achieved lots in the ‘being’ sense……

I’ve had anxiety the last few days….it’s affected my sleep but I’m ok…it needs to be there and i don’t have to control it. I learned that today…I don’t need to escape it (although that would be my tendency) and keep busy to control it. I’ve just let myself be and feel whatever came up and as a result I feel more connected to myself and the world. What happened to me was an awful thing which i had no control over…..we don’t have any control over anything other than ourselves I realize….and the way we can control outselves isn’t rying to control our feelings, it’s letting them be there and feeling them. It dawned on me earlier, that this is what letting go means and not letting our loved ones go…it’s letting go of the illusion of control. Oh…and yesterday I laughed so so so deeply and it felt amazing…I was hysterical and couldn’t catch my breath. i laughed like a child with no worries or concerns. I love who I’m becoming however difficult some of my feelings are. They are mine, and they are there for a reason. Much love x

Chapel of Rest...

Chapel of rest....

No one came with me....I went alone.  I drove myself alone....It was in Pateley Bridge, behind the museum. It was a dark October night as I parked up.  I walked over to the building which was basically a glorified shed.  The undertaker met me there. I'd been given thing from the children to put in Claire's coffin.  Heart shaped items, posters the girls had done, photos.  He took me through from the entrance where I could see the flowers that had been made for Claire.  The word 'Ginge'' was there in a floral pattern.  And then he took me through into another room where they had put Claire. And then I was left......alone....with the body of my dead wife in her wedding dress in the coffin I had chosen.   So cold...so lifeless. I think there was music playing....and there i stood....not knowing what to do. Do I touch her....I did, I touched her hand and it was solid and cold where once there was warmth and softness. And then I placed everything I'd been given in there with her. I didn't know if I was allowed to do it so I just placed it in there with her. She just looked dead. Lifeless....her nose was wonkey.... I couldn't stay long....I couldn't bear it. I think I kissed her head and again so cold. I suspect I said something to her body as I left....I can't remember....And then I drove myself home.  I can't remember coming into the house. Claire's mum and nan and Keith would of been there....but I don't remember any of the conversations.  I'm angry that I went alone. No One was there for me. They couldn't face it....they didn't want to see her like that.  But I had too....I had to be the one who did it. I wanted to do it but I had no idea of the impact on me. I never saw my mum....I regretted it and I think that's why I felt duty bound to go.  It was my beautiful wife who had been so brave and who's side I'd been next too all along this journey so that's why I went. I'm crying my tears for that night now as i write this. I need to do it now. 

Crazy Beautiful Life.

Crazy Beautiful Life.

New futures....new love....new life....new me..........scary pie.

I had the most wonderful night last night.  Playing in the park with Hels and her beautiful girls.  Their spirit shines from their eyes.  I felt amazing, accepted, part of something bigger...inspired by them all.  The last couple of weeks have been strange to say the least....Canada, reunited with Hels, ginge fest....I'm exhausted by it and everything that's happened.  I'm so proud of myself for getting this far and how I'm handling it.  Being kinder to myself, watching and not judging and being honest with myself and everyone else. I love who I've become and who I'm continuing to grow into.

My first solo trip

I just got back from my first weekend 'ever' away on my own....and it was actually really good and I enjoyed it. Camped up in Borrowdale in the Lake District. It did me a lot of good and I think is a sign of me moving forward and healing some more and getting used to this single life. Before Claire died and after my biggest fear was being alone and that's no longer the case. I'm free now to do what I want to do and go where I want to go....that's both scary and liberating at the same time. Onwards. 

Thom learns to ride....

Wow...last week Thom learned to ride his bike without my support for the first time. How amazingly proud do I feel. Since then he's been on it each and every day and is a natural. We've even had a ride together to Pateley Bridge for Fish and Chips. It won't be long before he's faster than his Dad.  Such a mix of emotions. Pride, happiness mixed with despair that his mum can't see it and how much she'd of loved seeing him. There are going to be many moments like this I know. I need to let the feelings come when they need too but also see the happy side of all of this. I'm doing well as his Dad...I'm proud of me too but it still hurts like nothing I've known before.

April...marks a year and a half.....

I shouldn’t be in this position…..I should be with my wife. I hate that I’m not. I’m longing to be with you again. And to know I can never be is the hardest part. I want our family back , our unit. But I can’t….This is my normal now. I’m finding my path….It’s not that I don’t want to find my path, I do, I want to, but it just makes me realise each time what I had, what I lost. And I need to feel that…I am feeling that. I’m having fun, I’m enjoying life….but it’s not the same as when you were here. It’s different…and when I look around me I can see the new life I’m creating and that makes me miss you more. It’ll be a year and a half in a few weeks since you died….I know that you’d be proud of me. I’m living our dream, but I never imagined living it on my own. The things I’ve seen, I’d love to share with you, be having adventures with you…no one else. But I can’t…so I have them alone, or with Thom, or with friends (old and new). Going for coffee with new friends to places you’d of loved but never got to see….seeing the sunset over the hill…watching the lambs appear and play in the fields, messing about down by the river. I’m doing these things with people when I just wish I could do this all with you. I miss our companionship and our bond which transcended words…we just knew we had each other and we shared a kindred spirit. That smile…I so miss that smile. I’ve met some special people, I’m building this life but I’m always going to miss you….I’m always going to think of you when I go somewhere new…I don’t think that pain will ever leave. Thank you Claire for everything. I love you more than anyone could ever love someone. x