Taking Thom back to Robin Hoods Bay

Last weekend we returned to RHB. It's the first time Thom has been back since we scattered Claire's ashes back in Dec 2014.  I went with a close friend and her girls. To see how big Thom is now compared to how little he was back then made me realise how much time has passed and I couldn't help reflect on how much we've done in the time in between and how proud of what we've done. We went to the beach and Nia said look at the sun Rich....and and there was a rainbow around it as it was setting. I'd not seen that before and to see it there was a very special moment. 

I miss you....I miss us....I miss our family.

I want to hold your hand again....touch your skin again.  Laugh together again....kiss again, look into your eyes again.  Walk Thom to school together and have him swing in between us.  Talk to the teacher together about how he's doing. I want you to do his homework with him, to practice his spellings to make his school projects with him.  I want you both to be sat at the kitchen table reading whilst I cook our tea. I want us to lie in bed in a morning with Thom in with us, laughing and hugging and being our family.  I want us to watch a family movie together, to walk together, to do all those things we did......but this time knowing how precious this life is and that time with each other isn't guaranteed.    Life is coming back, I'm enjoying life without you, and I feel guilty of that. I know that healing is happening but it doesn't stop the grief and the feelings of loss.  I love you Claire. We love you Claire...we always will and we always will miss you and the life that wasn't to be. x

2017

Life is moving forwards and coming back. We can cope with this life now and as a unit Thom and I are doing this. He's thriving at school and I'm working well now at home balancing all that comes with being a single parent and working full time and having pets. It's full on but still I find time to ride and get out. You'd think it would be a positive thing and yes of course it is but it also just makes me miss Claire more.  Grief is still there..it hasn't gone and now I know it never really will. Last week I could feel an acceptance of it all going on and these past 2 days have been full of tears again.  Some days and weeks are easier and some are just like she died yesterday. They still shock when they hit but on the whole I'm starting to manage it better. I've always been an emotional guy and this is no exception. It's 27 months today since Claire died. This morning I cried as it dawned on me again that it actually happened and that she won't ever come back....that is so tough to even comprehend. 27 months after losing your wife, best friend, mum to your child and inspiration isn't long and it's still early days so this is the way it'll be for a while yet I'm sure.  2017 has some exciting plans already in it and life is coming back.  I don't feel like I'm avoiding stuff now by being busy or getting into relationships and I'm feeling all that I need to. Life coming back is a scary thing as it feels longer since I saw and felt Claire next to me and it means we are getting used to this life without her.  It's still unbelievable that's she's gone sometimes. We're living fully and I am becoming a person who I wouldn't of otherwise of become if it hadn't of happened and I got pushed into this life. Aspects of it I love and enjoy but again that's hard as it feels it should be Claire doing these things if things were different. People I've met and places I've been and experiences all different from what may of been before.  It's still a mind bender and I guess it always will be. 

Letter to Claire

Morning Claire,

I felt the need to write. Maybe you can hear, maybe you can't.  You're not in this life anymore physically at least.  There's so much I want to tell you especially about Thom.  He's growing up to be a most wonderful boy.  He's funny, kind, caring and so strong willed.  Only this morning I said to him, what a great team we are together.  You'd love him now Claire at 6.   He's doing really well at school and got 6 out of 6 in his spellings this week for the second time.  I'm learning this parent stuff as we go along and he changes and gets older.  Spellings I decided to try and learn one word a night and it seems to be working well.  He's just started swimming lessons too and is already in Orange caps.  Last week I sat there and watched him, I was so proud and I know you'd be too.  At the end I gave him a kiss from me and a kiss from you too and told him how proud you'd be of him.  He had a lovely birthday at the village hall.  I decided to have it there again as last year at the house was a little too manic...(i'm learning baby). He had lots of his friends come and our friends and family too.  Paul and Amanda had a Highland cow cake made for him as he's cow mad at the moment. It was brilliant, I wish you could of seen it.  That annoying lady was there at the end and your mum and nanan were getting pissed off with her again, you'd of laughed at them. I hope they weren't too rude to her though.   I got him a new big boy bike for this birthday with good brakes and gears.  It's amazing to see him ride it Claire and it makes me realise how much he's grown. He's only fallen off twice properly since he's started riding so hopefully he's a bit more like me than you in that department.  He has lots of friends at school and is really popular.  He can be a bit shy at first but soon warms up. The other day I saw him playing with his friends in the playground and they were having so much fun together. He didn't see me watching him so it was great to see him in his own environment.  Yesterday we went to a party at a soft play area and I was amazed at how confident he's growing. He didn't need me so much as he used too and played happily with the other kids and at one point told me to go away.  There's so many things we could share Claire and I'll write again.  I've not done this before but today I felt like I wanted too.  We've had some great adventures already and I look forward to many more.  I don't know who I'm writing this for, for you or me, or to your spirit, I just want you to still be part of our lives.  I know you've gone, and that I'm heart broken but I need to involve you in our lives and share this stuff with you as I love you so very much and I miss you terribly and although you died, our love hasn't and nor has your spirit.  I carry you forward as does Thom.  Much love beautiful x

Something is changing

Something is changing....grief is evolving

25 months in, Thom's 6th birthday passed, Claire's 2nd anniversary and Christmas looming.  Ending things with Hels, it's been a challenging and difficult few months.  It's funny just writing that down just makes me think oh yeah, that'll be tough for anyone and gives me a different perspective.  

Thom's birthday this year I put from Mummy in his card too....I can't remember if I did that the first year but I certainly didn't do it last year.  I was, no I have to move forwards and she died so why would I?  Seems odd now but that's how I've been, pushing forwards, needing to be with someone...trying to recreate what I lost, trying to gain some security again, put the past behind. In hindsight before I was ready too.  Grief was something to get through, to process, to reach the otherside.  I've now learned that it's not that.  It's something to live with (forever) and you build your new life around it.  I can't push it away, or reach the other side, it doesn't work that way.  I can't find the answer on the internet or in books, I can't be cured of it.  This is a scary thought but also a freeing thought as I can relax into it a little more now and just allow it to be, however frustrating and helpless that makes me feel.

Since Claire died, I always felt the need that I had to be with someone....since reuniting with Hels and despite love being there I realised that I can't be with someone right now.  It was a hard lesson to learn, but my heart just isn't ready for that.  At the moment, I feel and fear that it may never be but I also appreciate that's where I'm currently and things evolve and it still really is early days since I lost my beautiful Claire.  

I've been feeling deep emotional pain and such sadness and some despair the last 5 days or so, and yesterday it found its way out to the surface and I had a very teary day...It needed to come out. I haven't cried so deeply in a while. Sitting on the floor just crying and feeling it all.  I miss Claire so very much and it's hitting home on an emotional level that this is forever and I'm allowing that pain in...I've given permission to myself to allow it fully.  By meeting and chatting to Nia and how she allows her grief to be there I've learned so much. Of course I've grieved over the past 2 years but it just feels much deeper now.  I guess that's a good thing. It means things are progressing however difficult it feels at the time.  I just read a note that Claire left Thom and for the first time I read it as 'she was saying goodbye'..she say's 'enjoy school Thom' and even though I've read that 100 times today it hit me on a different level. I guess my relationship with Claire is changing.

I have fear now too....fear of the future without her, fear of being on my own, although that no longer scares as it once did...fear of lack of security...fear if I am strong enough to do this.  It's scary knowing that shortness of life and that powerlessness of knowing what's around the corner.  But I also have a determination and a inner strength and kindness towards myself that is evolving too.

My relationship with Thom is also changing...he's such a happy little boy and I'm going to take credit for that.  Last night after we read his bedtime story, he got out his laminated pictures of Claire that we had for her funeral party.  They are pictures of various times and weddings etc.  Thom wanted to know 5 facts about each picture which was great as he's not done that before.  And then with a picture of Claire and I together he put it up to my face and pretended to be Claire and said, "I love you Rich", "You're the best Rich in the world", it was so special. Despite all the pain, Thom and I have had some amazing times this past week, from dancing to Elvis to wrestling and laughing together.   Things are changing......

She's not here...she's gone.

Fuck this is lonely....It's Sunday morning and I'm at home on my own.   Thom is with Kim and it's just me and the dog.  The absence of life here is huge.  I miss the Sunday morning feeling.  The feeling of being together with my wife and having my family together. To come back in from a dog walk and for her to be here and being busy.  To say, nice walk?   That'll never happen again....sure I may get to do it again with someone, but I won't ever do that with my Claire.  It's been 2 years, and how hard this right now is shocking me. I miss her so very much xx

The Christie's....

This time 2 years ago Claire was admitted into the Christie Hospital in Manchester.   I don't know why but today I feel the urge to write about that aspect of our life 2 years ago.  I want a record for Thom but it also helps me release lots of emotion and feelings that I couldn't face back then.  It's healing.

We'd gone the Monday after the first Ginge Fest.  The idea being we'd go and Claire would be put on the trial drug she'd been waiting for.  She'd gone 2 weeks without pain relief other than paracetamol and ibuprofen. I cannot imagine now how she did that with all the cancer and open wounds on her chest but somehow she did.  I'm in awe of this now. It stressed me out at the time knowing that she was in pain but desperate to get this potential lifeline so  went without her pain medication.  We'd been to St James' the day before Ginge fest to get Claire a blood transfusion to make sure she'd have the best chance too as her bloods were down and energy was lacking.  We turned up full of hope.  I remember the trial nurse being particularly lovely.  Not all were.  It soon transpired that our hopefulness about this trial wouldn't be enough.  Claire had an infection in her wound and she'd need to stay in hospital to get treatment.  We'd gone with no overnight bags or anything.  So with the disappointment in our hearts Claire agreed to stay for a couple of days to get the infection under control. I was to go home, pick up some clothes and other things for Claire.  I also had to go and pick up our new car which I'd planned to get that day too.  So I had to leave her there, no doubt she was scared as was I and head home and do what was required.  I drove home, then to York to swop the cars and then back to Manchester.  I didn't arrive till after 9pm and I was unable to find Claire.  Eventually I tracked her down on an open ward which must of been nearly 10pm.   It was an old part of the hospital and reminded me of a dormitory.  I don't recall there being many other patients there but when Claire saw me walking in, she started crying.  She didn't think I'd make it back and she felt so alone.  The lady next to her who looked gravely ill had been comforting Claire in my absence.  She'd gone in full of hope but now looked so frightened and alone. I comforted her the best I could, hiding my sadness about it all and my pain of seeing her look so desperate.  I stayed with er for a couple of hours and then I went to a local hotel.  I bought some beer and sat there not knowing what was ahead.

I think the next day when i'd gone in they'd moved her to another ward.  This was where she was to remain for the next 2 weeks. It was always hard going back in in the morning as I never knew what I'd find. How she'd be.  Thinking back it now reminds me of when I had to go and visit Mum in hospital those 3 months which she was in there for.  It was always a rollacoaster and there was always fear of now knowing how she'd be when you went it.   I think Claire was ok I can't remember specifically.  I remember her telling me what else to bring in for her and what she needed.  We went for a scan and I remember pushing her in the wheel chair and the room being so full of people who were also waiting for a scan. The results of that scan were that she needed some more fluid draining from her lungs and so she was booked in for that later in the week.  We were still positive of getting on the trial at this stage.=======

Things are never straight forward when cancer is involved. Claire had the drain fitted to her lung and they wanted to drain at least 2 liters off before it could be removed.  The drains were a big flexible tube attached to a container with measurement marking up the side and a clip that could be hooked to the side of the bed.  It connected to Claire via a smaller tube they'd inserted via her back and into her lung area.  The liquid was a yellowish color with the occasional blood clot in for good measure.  Not a nice sight for me to look at let alone Claire to have to have it inserted in her body.  This was I think the third drain she'd had so in a funny way it was familiar.  There was a relief in having it as this meant pressure was taken off her lung when the liquid drained so breathing was easier.  I remember her anxiety about how much liquid was being drained.  I remember being with her there when she wanted a shower.  I went with her into the shower / toilet block and felt so fucking useless.  There was my wife, her breast missing, her wound open, her scars from the operations, the drain inserted into her trying to get washed.  I just felt in the way, there was nothing I could do other than bath her back and just over fuss much to her annoyance.  Looking back, how can I prepare for that? I can't but it was just so very hard to see her there so helpless even taking a shower.

Her spirits where quite high though despite all this.  One evening I went into central Manchester to the 'curry mile' to get us a takeaway and to give Claire a break from hospital food.  I did my research and tracked down the place with the best reviews.  I was determined to get the best curry for Claire. We sat in the main day day area and ate the most amazing curry together as the smell wafted through the ward.  I can still remember Claire saying that it was the best curry she'd ever had.  That was a special moment.  Other special moments where going down to breakfast together and getting egg baps and eating them outside and discussing taking Thom to Euro Disney when Claire got back out.