Chapel of Rest...

Chapel of rest....

No one came with me....I went alone.  I drove myself alone....It was in Pateley Bridge, behind the museum. It was a dark October night as I parked up.  I walked over to the building which was basically a glorified shed.  The undertaker met me there. I'd been given thing from the children to put in Claire's coffin.  Heart shaped items, posters the girls had done, photos.  He took me through from the entrance where I could see the flowers that had been made for Claire.  The word 'Ginge'' was there in a floral pattern.  And then he took me through into another room where they had put Claire. And then I was left......alone....with the body of my dead wife in her wedding dress in the coffin I had chosen.   So cold...so lifeless. I think there was music playing....and there i stood....not knowing what to do. Do I touch her....I did, I touched her hand and it was solid and cold where once there was warmth and softness. And then I placed everything I'd been given in there with her. I didn't know if I was allowed to do it so I just placed it in there with her. She just looked dead. Lifeless....her nose was wonkey.... I couldn't stay long....I couldn't bear it. I think I kissed her head and again so cold. I suspect I said something to her body as I left....I can't remember....And then I drove myself home.  I can't remember coming into the house. Claire's mum and nan and Keith would of been there....but I don't remember any of the conversations.  I'm angry that I went alone. No One was there for me. They couldn't face it....they didn't want to see her like that.  But I had too....I had to be the one who did it. I wanted to do it but I had no idea of the impact on me. I never saw my mum....I regretted it and I think that's why I felt duty bound to go.  It was my beautiful wife who had been so brave and who's side I'd been next too all along this journey so that's why I went. I'm crying my tears for that night now as i write this. I need to do it now. 

Crazy Beautiful Life.

Crazy Beautiful Life.

New futures....new love....new life....new me..........scary pie.

I had the most wonderful night last night.  Playing in the park with Hels and her beautiful girls.  Their spirit shines from their eyes.  I felt amazing, accepted, part of something bigger...inspired by them all.  The last couple of weeks have been strange to say the least....Canada, reunited with Hels, ginge fest....I'm exhausted by it and everything that's happened.  I'm so proud of myself for getting this far and how I'm handling it.  Being kinder to myself, watching and not judging and being honest with myself and everyone else. I love who I've become and who I'm continuing to grow into.