The Birdie Song

Thom has a class assembly this morning.  The kids had planned it themselves.  It was all about chicks and chickens as the school have recently got chicks.  Dad is up and he came with me.  That was nice to have my Dad here to see Thom and come along to the school.  He laughed, danced to the Birdy song along with the other parents at the kids request.  I never thought that would happen but what a special moment.  Thom did great and I was very proud of him.   The past few weeks have been easier and I've felt different.  More life returning and I've felt normal. It's been brilliant and a sign that I'm processing my grief and we are moving forward and that's ok.  I know I'll take steps back but I expect that but that's ok.

Missing Mum

Dear Mum, I'd love for you to take Thom to school, buy him clothes, shoes and things.  Things he can treasure and keep as they were a gift from you.  For you to cuddle him, hold him, nurture him and love him.  For you to hear about his day, in person or on the phone.  To develop that bond with him like Kim and Wendy have with him.  To share your love of animals with him and take him to the races or the Donkey Sanctuary like you used to take us.  To have him for the weekend, to read him a bedtime story.  For you to support me in raising him.  For me to ask for your advice.  I may not take it, I may think it isn't suitable but I miss having you you there to ask and share it with him.  I'd love to see how you'd be with him.  Dad has surprised me with the love he shows and how more open he has become and I feel sad to know that we never got to see how you'd be as a grandma. To have him for the weekend, for us to come and visit you..for you to become Nana Shirley and Grandad Dave...that makes me smile writing that. Love you.

Trig Point Reflections

The sea, beautiful and calm, the setting sun reflecting on the water.  The mountains in the distance, shrouded by cloud on their snow covered summits. The coast stretching out as far as my eyes can see.  Two girls playing in the distance who like Thom have lost a parent. Another person who has seen what I've seen and felt what I've felt is close by.  The connection between us and on a level that only two people who've witnessed the death of the one closest to you can feel.  The friendship, the love, the empathy for each other and the paths walked to reach this point right now. the tears, the laughter and the confusion of all of this shared between us. The smiles from strangers walking by not knowing the history but smiling at people embracing life fully.  At that moment I'm on my own sat on top of the Trig point. Thoughts go to Claire and how much she would love this place.  Feeling sorrow that Claire can't see this with her own beautiful green eyes and that I can't share the beauty I can see right now with her.   I also wish Thom was here to see this place and there is a guilt that he's not also here.  I will bring him here and share it with him.....a very special way to end the weekend.  Thank you for sharing it with me. I know it is also a special place full of memories for you also.......x

   

Taking Thom back to Robin Hoods Bay

Last weekend we returned to RHB. It's the first time Thom has been back since we scattered Claire's ashes back in Dec 2014.  I went with a close friend and her girls. To see how big Thom is now compared to how little he was back then made me realise how much time has passed and I couldn't help reflect on how much we've done in the time in between and how proud of what we've done. We went to the beach and Nia said look at the sun Rich....and and there was a rainbow around it as it was setting. I'd not seen that before and to see it there was a very special moment. 

I miss you....I miss us....I miss our family.

I want to hold your hand again....touch your skin again.  Laugh together again....kiss again, look into your eyes again.  Walk Thom to school together and have him swing in between us.  Talk to the teacher together about how he's doing. I want you to do his homework with him, to practice his spellings to make his school projects with him.  I want you both to be sat at the kitchen table reading whilst I cook our tea. I want us to lie in bed in a morning with Thom in with us, laughing and hugging and being our family.  I want us to watch a family movie together, to walk together, to do all those things we did......but this time knowing how precious this life is and that time with each other isn't guaranteed.    Life is coming back, I'm enjoying life without you, and I feel guilty of that. I know that healing is happening but it doesn't stop the grief and the feelings of loss.  I love you Claire. We love you Claire...we always will and we always will miss you and the life that wasn't to be. x

2017

Life is moving forwards and coming back. We can cope with this life now and as a unit Thom and I are doing this. He's thriving at school and I'm working well now at home balancing all that comes with being a single parent and working full time and having pets. It's full on but still I find time to ride and get out. You'd think it would be a positive thing and yes of course it is but it also just makes me miss Claire more.  Grief is still there..it hasn't gone and now I know it never really will. Last week I could feel an acceptance of it all going on and these past 2 days have been full of tears again.  Some days and weeks are easier and some are just like she died yesterday. They still shock when they hit but on the whole I'm starting to manage it better. I've always been an emotional guy and this is no exception. It's 27 months today since Claire died. This morning I cried as it dawned on me again that it actually happened and that she won't ever come back....that is so tough to even comprehend. 27 months after losing your wife, best friend, mum to your child and inspiration isn't long and it's still early days so this is the way it'll be for a while yet I'm sure.  2017 has some exciting plans already in it and life is coming back.  I don't feel like I'm avoiding stuff now by being busy or getting into relationships and I'm feeling all that I need to. Life coming back is a scary thing as it feels longer since I saw and felt Claire next to me and it means we are getting used to this life without her.  It's still unbelievable that's she's gone sometimes. We're living fully and I am becoming a person who I wouldn't of otherwise of become if it hadn't of happened and I got pushed into this life. Aspects of it I love and enjoy but again that's hard as it feels it should be Claire doing these things if things were different. People I've met and places I've been and experiences all different from what may of been before.  It's still a mind bender and I guess it always will be. 

Letter to Claire

Morning Claire,

I felt the need to write. Maybe you can hear, maybe you can't.  You're not in this life anymore physically at least.  There's so much I want to tell you especially about Thom.  He's growing up to be a most wonderful boy.  He's funny, kind, caring and so strong willed.  Only this morning I said to him, what a great team we are together.  You'd love him now Claire at 6.   He's doing really well at school and got 6 out of 6 in his spellings this week for the second time.  I'm learning this parent stuff as we go along and he changes and gets older.  Spellings I decided to try and learn one word a night and it seems to be working well.  He's just started swimming lessons too and is already in Orange caps.  Last week I sat there and watched him, I was so proud and I know you'd be too.  At the end I gave him a kiss from me and a kiss from you too and told him how proud you'd be of him.  He had a lovely birthday at the village hall.  I decided to have it there again as last year at the house was a little too manic...(i'm learning baby). He had lots of his friends come and our friends and family too.  Paul and Amanda had a Highland cow cake made for him as he's cow mad at the moment. It was brilliant, I wish you could of seen it.  That annoying lady was there at the end and your mum and nanan were getting pissed off with her again, you'd of laughed at them. I hope they weren't too rude to her though.   I got him a new big boy bike for this birthday with good brakes and gears.  It's amazing to see him ride it Claire and it makes me realise how much he's grown. He's only fallen off twice properly since he's started riding so hopefully he's a bit more like me than you in that department.  He has lots of friends at school and is really popular.  He can be a bit shy at first but soon warms up. The other day I saw him playing with his friends in the playground and they were having so much fun together. He didn't see me watching him so it was great to see him in his own environment.  Yesterday we went to a party at a soft play area and I was amazed at how confident he's growing. He didn't need me so much as he used too and played happily with the other kids and at one point told me to go away.  There's so many things we could share Claire and I'll write again.  I've not done this before but today I felt like I wanted too.  We've had some great adventures already and I look forward to many more.  I don't know who I'm writing this for, for you or me, or to your spirit, I just want you to still be part of our lives.  I know you've gone, and that I'm heart broken but I need to involve you in our lives and share this stuff with you as I love you so very much and I miss you terribly and although you died, our love hasn't and nor has your spirit.  I carry you forward as does Thom.  Much love beautiful x