Missing Mum.

My Mum died on 5th April 2004.  I miss my mum....I miss my mum so much...she was my safety blanket...as long as she was around I’d be ok....and she went.  She died....She died in a horrible way....I felt helpless.   I had no support...I’m angry about this...it hurts so much and I  never listened to my grief....I never did....I didn’t acknowledge my feelings...no one did....they were dismissed....you had to be strong..keep going, I didn't know how to deal with it so I guess I buried it..  Be there for others.  I’ve had enough of being there for others...I'm now here for me. Mum did in her way.....I felt safe when she was here.  She was my mum...the person who gave birth to me...pure unconditional love. Not perfect, far from it and I understand now that she was flawed but she loved me...and I miss that so much.  I’m frustrated, and angry and sad that I do not have her in my life anymore.  To call, to speak to, to hold, to get annoyed with, to share what we’re doing, for saying how proud I am of what we’ve done.    To help me through this difficult time after losing Claire....to just hold me so I can cry. I love you so much Mum and to know you are not here hurts....  I can feel you shifting inside me as I grow.  You weren’t much support or offered much direction, but to know you were there was so important to me. When I did move out and start to become an adult was when I lost you, when I’d just started to open up to you went.  My survivor became my security blanket when you left.  I no longer need it, but to let it go means to fully acknowledge my loss of my mum.