April...marks a year and a half.....

I shouldn’t be in this position…..I should be with my wife. I hate that I’m not. I’m longing to be with you again. And to know I can never be is the hardest part. I want our family back , our unit. But I can’t….This is my normal now. I’m finding my path….It’s not that I don’t want to find my path, I do, I want to, but it just makes me realise each time what I had, what I lost. And I need to feel that…I am feeling that. I’m having fun, I’m enjoying life….but it’s not the same as when you were here. It’s different…and when I look around me I can see the new life I’m creating and that makes me miss you more. It’ll be a year and a half in a few weeks since you died….I know that you’d be proud of me. I’m living our dream, but I never imagined living it on my own. The things I’ve seen, I’d love to share with you, be having adventures with you…no one else. But I can’t…so I have them alone, or with Thom, or with friends (old and new). Going for coffee with new friends to places you’d of loved but never got to see….seeing the sunset over the hill…watching the lambs appear and play in the fields, messing about down by the river. I’m doing these things with people when I just wish I could do this all with you. I miss our companionship and our bond which transcended words…we just knew we had each other and we shared a kindred spirit. That smile…I so miss that smile. I’ve met some special people, I’m building this life but I’m always going to miss you….I’m always going to think of you when I go somewhere new…I don’t think that pain will ever leave. Thank you Claire for everything. I love you more than anyone could ever love someone. x