Something is changing

Something is changing....grief is evolving

25 months in, Thom's 6th birthday passed, Claire's 2nd anniversary and Christmas looming.  Ending things with Hels, it's been a challenging and difficult few months.  It's funny just writing that down just makes me think oh yeah, that'll be tough for anyone and gives me a different perspective.  

Thom's birthday this year I put from Mummy in his card too....I can't remember if I did that the first year but I certainly didn't do it last year.  I was, no I have to move forwards and she died so why would I?  Seems odd now but that's how I've been, pushing forwards, needing to be with someone...trying to recreate what I lost, trying to gain some security again, put the past behind. In hindsight before I was ready too.  Grief was something to get through, to process, to reach the otherside.  I've now learned that it's not that.  It's something to live with (forever) and you build your new life around it.  I can't push it away, or reach the other side, it doesn't work that way.  I can't find the answer on the internet or in books, I can't be cured of it.  This is a scary thought but also a freeing thought as I can relax into it a little more now and just allow it to be, however frustrating and helpless that makes me feel.

Since Claire died, I always felt the need that I had to be with someone....since reuniting with Hels and despite love being there I realised that I can't be with someone right now.  It was a hard lesson to learn, but my heart just isn't ready for that.  At the moment, I feel and fear that it may never be but I also appreciate that's where I'm currently and things evolve and it still really is early days since I lost my beautiful Claire.  

I've been feeling deep emotional pain and such sadness and some despair the last 5 days or so, and yesterday it found its way out to the surface and I had a very teary day...It needed to come out. I haven't cried so deeply in a while. Sitting on the floor just crying and feeling it all.  I miss Claire so very much and it's hitting home on an emotional level that this is forever and I'm allowing that pain in...I've given permission to myself to allow it fully.  By meeting and chatting to Nia and how she allows her grief to be there I've learned so much. Of course I've grieved over the past 2 years but it just feels much deeper now.  I guess that's a good thing. It means things are progressing however difficult it feels at the time.  I just read a note that Claire left Thom and for the first time I read it as 'she was saying goodbye'..she say's 'enjoy school Thom' and even though I've read that 100 times today it hit me on a different level. I guess my relationship with Claire is changing.

I have fear now too....fear of the future without her, fear of being on my own, although that no longer scares as it once did...fear of lack of security...fear if I am strong enough to do this.  It's scary knowing that shortness of life and that powerlessness of knowing what's around the corner.  But I also have a determination and a inner strength and kindness towards myself that is evolving too.

My relationship with Thom is also changing...he's such a happy little boy and I'm going to take credit for that.  Last night after we read his bedtime story, he got out his laminated pictures of Claire that we had for her funeral party.  They are pictures of various times and weddings etc.  Thom wanted to know 5 facts about each picture which was great as he's not done that before.  And then with a picture of Claire and I together he put it up to my face and pretended to be Claire and said, "I love you Rich", "You're the best Rich in the world", it was so special. Despite all the pain, Thom and I have had some amazing times this past week, from dancing to Elvis to wrestling and laughing together.   Things are changing......