Is this acceptance?

Whatever I do...she's not coming back.  She's gone.

It hurts so much to type this.  She's gone. Never ever to be seen again.  Lost to me and Thom and our family.  Our family has gone. Lost...taken away...finished as it used to be.  It doesn't exit anymore like it once did.   Nothing will ever bring that back.  It can't be replaced. It doesn't exist anymore.  You no longer have a wife.  She died of breast cancer nearly 2 years ago.  She died in your arms.  THat was her gone when she let out her last breaths cradled in your arms.  It died then...your dreams for the future together left you then.  No about of why's what if's or guilt is bring it back.  It's gone forever. Because she's dead she doesn't care about you now or what you do with your life.  She can't she's gone. She had her wishes.  They were to put Thom first and be happy.  You will be happy, but first you have to accept that she died and that's it. The yearning for her back....so deep...won't bring her back. I know the why's will never be answered so why ask anymore...there isn't a fucking answer. There could never be a fucking answer as to why we lost Claire.  No reason...no plan..just bad fucking luck.  I did everything I could, yes I could of been more supportive but you can always do better in hindsight,  What I do know is that I loved her and would of supported her for the rest of my life.  There's no where I can go....I could go the Robin Hoods Bay but why, she isn't there. I could go back down south and sit outside our old house but why, she isn't there. She isn't anywhere in this world anymore. Not Claire like I knew and loved. She's gone and you're on your own to face your grief.  She's not in the pictures you have..they're just snapshots on paper of a time and life before.  They aren't now.   She's lives in your mind and she lives in Thom.  But it isn't Claire of before.  It cannot be.  It's her spirit which lives on.  That's separate to the person she was.  You'll never hold her again, kiss her, hold her hand, smell her hair, watch her sleep, moan to her, argue, laugh with her.  None of those things are possible like they once were before.  She won't laugh back, argue back, hold you, tell you to do stuff or offer direction in the way she once did.  She can't.  I'm sure she'd want to but she's dead.  My friend Dave said something yesterday.  You could run 30 marathons and raise thousands for charity but it wouldn't change that she died.  It won't bring her back. Wanting her back won't bring her back either.  Is this acceptance?

Accepting that Christmas will never be like it once was. We will never sit around the table as a family.  The three of us.  We'll never cook together, wash up, open presents.  I will never buy her another gift again. I will never send her another card.  I will never see her face again as she opens her present.  I will never have that challenge of buying her a present that tops last years.  I will never complain about her having to wrap so many presents because she bought for everyone.   I will never say Happy Christmas when she wakes up in the morning on Christmas morning.  I will never have that feeling with her on Xmas eve, excitement. I will never play in the snow with her, throw snowballs or have a snowman competition.  No more drinking together, and eating. None of it. That all went when she died. I will never have that conversation with her about what to get Thom for xmas and seeing his face together as he opens his presents.  I won't have the experience of putting the decorations up together or seeing cards addressed to Claire & Rich & Thom.  His birthday is coming up.  He won't ever have another party with you there. He won't have you ever sing Happy Birthday to him. All these losses....These cannot be replaced by anthing.  Yes, I can and I will rebuild my life and a new family but I have to acknowledge these losses for our life together.

We won't ever travel together, sleep together, take a car journey together. Listen to music, share our feelings, buy another house, garden, and enjoy the sunshine together. We won't do any of those things.  We won't see new things together, and experience new life together.  We can't and we won't because you died.  We won't ever watch our sleeping boy together and say how much we love him,  We won't decorate together. We won't have the excitement of looking at new houses together or deciding our future plans together. We won't watch new films together. We don't have a life together.  Is this acceptance?

Name change....

I've decided it's time to change the name of my blog from 'Wonderful Life' to 'Crazy Beautiful Life'.  This seems more fitting as to what I now understand about this life and where I currently am in it nearly 2 years down the line.  'Crazy Beautiful Life' was a saying I had when I was reconnected with Hels and it seemed to sum up this journey.

It happened....One step at a time

Yesterday I cleared out more of Claire's things.  Stuff I kept after my first run though in March 2015.  I have cleared her medical notes and the folders she kept, the wig she was given following chemo, the remainder of her clothes which I kept in her leather hodal.  All the funeral and sympathy cards.  Stuff if I'm to move forwards I do not require to remember my beautiful wife.  The medical records remind me of the cancer...the sympathy cards serve no use to me now.  I know she was loved greatly and I don't need stuff to remind me of that.  It just makes me sad.  It was all up in the loft above the garage and everytime I go up there and feed the cat I'd see it so I took the opportunity now Dad was here to go through it and donate the clothes to charity and condense it all down into a box of treaured things.  I've kept a couple of dresses for Thom, her purse, passport and glasses along with some note books from her day to day life and her notes about her illness and how it was progressing for Thom in his future should he want to look at it.  I also got rid off her coats which were hanging in the spare room wardrobe.  They'll never be worn again so why do they need to be there.  I don't need reminding that she died and will no longer wear them so they've gone too.  I checked with Claire's Mum first to make sure she didn't want anything and she didn't.      How do i feel.....well it was hard, but it's another commitment to my future and my life as it is now and it will become.  I had a ton of dreams last night about all factors of my life and my past and there were elements of my future within it too.  I believe my brain has processed some more.    Having a clear out last night also brought up a conversation with my Dad.  He actually said how I annoy him in the way I deal with things...I took this as a compliment and the fact he felt able to express his real opinion with me.  That would of not happened a year ago. It led me to express my annoyance at the way he deals with things and bottles things up.  It felt good.  He then said he's outstayed his welcome and I said no not at all, thank you for being open.  I'd like you to do it more.  I feel closer to him than ever.   Yesterday had so many positives too.  Thom going on a bike ride with Lydia next door.  He got Star of the week for his attitude too.  So many positives out of what was a difficult day.   Me coming off the FaceBook group I wasn't happy with no looks like it will lead to me and another guy setting up one that suites our needs better so that was a win too.  Much love.  x

Into the Abyss

Into the Abyss
I’ve had a tough week….really tough. I’ve wanted to give up. I’ve wanted to die. (Don’t get frightened – I don’t intend on doing anything of the sorts) I just wanted to be open about how rubbish losing something so precious to you makes you feel. I felt brave enough to feel those feelings. They scared me. I reached out to my friends.….to my father, to my widow support which I’ve grown in the past year. I felt that abyss fully. I shared it with Hels...I took a risk to let it been seen by the woman I love.  Why now? I guess I’m ready to. I hate every second of it…how heavy if felt…how despairing it made me feel..how useless I felt…how ungrateful I felt…how alone I felt…how unending it felt…how hopeless if felt. I survived this visit. I rode that wave….I went into it and felt it in all its awfulness. And here I am a day later different again… I slept…I woke up with more energy….I feel more me. It’s lingering and revisiting now and again but I feel closer to my Claire. Closer to my Dad…closer to myself. I can’t stay in that place…my life isn’t there…no life is there but it was important that I visited and suspect I will have to again shortly but this time I know I can do it and growth comes from it. 

I spent time alone yesterday being and not doing..just being.....the upshot was a feeling of connection with myself that's new.....It was a positive thing.  The anxiety I've been feeling changed last night and instead of anxious I felt the deepest pain I've felt in these nearly 2 years.  Not the raw lying on the floor in a fetal position of last year but a deep ache in my soul.  The realisation that I can't manage it, push it away or control it has left me more open to it.  Oh my it's uncomfortable...It's a deep pain in my belly....some moments it feels unbearable...and then others ok. I felt calm though despite feeling it.  I could feel it's shape...it's sides.  It's not endless however endless or bottomless it feels.  I don't fear it anymore.  There's feelings for what I would call 'acceptance'...'but it's not the 'acceptance' I strove for in those early days for that doesn't exist.  I thought 'acceptance' was a feeling of being normal again, no more feelings of grief, happy.....that doesn't exist and that's not acceptance.  That's denial.  'Acceptance' I now think is 'accepting all of these feelings' and of my loss.  Accepting that grief is part of my life as are the complicated feelings that come with it. Accepting that I will always mourn Claire and my old life just like I'll always miss my mum and other people I've loved. You don't move on....you move forward and you rebuild with all of the above incorporated in your new life.

A day of stillness

A day of stillness…..

Today, I’ve done nothing….nothing on my own……I’ve sat by the river, watched the sky, listened to the water……I haven’t achieved anything in the normal ‘doing’ sense. But I’ve achieved lots in the ‘being’ sense……

I’ve had anxiety the last few days….it’s affected my sleep but I’m ok…it needs to be there and i don’t have to control it. I learned that today…I don’t need to escape it (although that would be my tendency) and keep busy to control it. I’ve just let myself be and feel whatever came up and as a result I feel more connected to myself and the world. What happened to me was an awful thing which i had no control over…..we don’t have any control over anything other than ourselves I realize….and the way we can control outselves isn’t rying to control our feelings, it’s letting them be there and feeling them. It dawned on me earlier, that this is what letting go means and not letting our loved ones go…it’s letting go of the illusion of control. Oh…and yesterday I laughed so so so deeply and it felt amazing…I was hysterical and couldn’t catch my breath. i laughed like a child with no worries or concerns. I love who I’m becoming however difficult some of my feelings are. They are mine, and they are there for a reason. Much love x