I spent time alone yesterday being and not doing..just being.....the upshot was a feeling of connection with myself that's new.....It was a positive thing.  The anxiety I've been feeling changed last night and instead of anxious I felt the deepest pain I've felt in these nearly 2 years.  Not the raw lying on the floor in a fetal position of last year but a deep ache in my soul.  The realisation that I can't manage it, push it away or control it has left me more open to it.  Oh my it's uncomfortable...It's a deep pain in my belly....some moments it feels unbearable...and then others ok. I felt calm though despite feeling it.  I could feel it's shape...it's sides.  It's not endless however endless or bottomless it feels.  I don't fear it anymore.  There's feelings for what I would call 'acceptance'...'but it's not the 'acceptance' I strove for in those early days for that doesn't exist.  I thought 'acceptance' was a feeling of being normal again, no more feelings of grief, happy.....that doesn't exist and that's not acceptance.  That's denial.  'Acceptance' I now think is 'accepting all of these feelings' and of my loss.  Accepting that grief is part of my life as are the complicated feelings that come with it. Accepting that I will always mourn Claire and my old life just like I'll always miss my mum and other people I've loved. You don't move on....you move forward and you rebuild with all of the above incorporated in your new life.