Into the Abyss
I’ve had a tough week….really tough. I’ve wanted to give up. I’ve wanted to die. (Don’t get frightened – I don’t intend on doing anything of the sorts) I just wanted to be open about how rubbish losing something so precious to you makes you feel. I felt brave enough to feel those feelings. They scared me. I reached out to my friends.….to my father, to my widow support which I’ve grown in the past year. I felt that abyss fully. I shared it with Hels...I took a risk to let it been seen by the woman I love. Why now? I guess I’m ready to. I hate every second of it…how heavy if felt…how despairing it made me feel..how useless I felt…how ungrateful I felt…how alone I felt…how unending it felt…how hopeless if felt. I survived this visit. I rode that wave….I went into it and felt it in all its awfulness. And here I am a day later different again… I slept…I woke up with more energy….I feel more me. It’s lingering and revisiting now and again but I feel closer to my Claire. Closer to my Dad…closer to myself. I can’t stay in that place…my life isn’t there…no life is there but it was important that I visited and suspect I will have to again shortly but this time I know I can do it and growth comes from it.
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