Is this acceptance?

Whatever I do...she's not coming back.  She's gone.

It hurts so much to type this.  She's gone. Never ever to be seen again.  Lost to me and Thom and our family.  Our family has gone. Lost...taken away...finished as it used to be.  It doesn't exit anymore like it once did.   Nothing will ever bring that back.  It can't be replaced. It doesn't exist anymore.  You no longer have a wife.  She died of breast cancer nearly 2 years ago.  She died in your arms.  THat was her gone when she let out her last breaths cradled in your arms.  It died then...your dreams for the future together left you then.  No about of why's what if's or guilt is bring it back.  It's gone forever. Because she's dead she doesn't care about you now or what you do with your life.  She can't she's gone. She had her wishes.  They were to put Thom first and be happy.  You will be happy, but first you have to accept that she died and that's it. The yearning for her back....so deep...won't bring her back. I know the why's will never be answered so why ask anymore...there isn't a fucking answer. There could never be a fucking answer as to why we lost Claire.  No reason...no plan..just bad fucking luck.  I did everything I could, yes I could of been more supportive but you can always do better in hindsight,  What I do know is that I loved her and would of supported her for the rest of my life.  There's no where I can go....I could go the Robin Hoods Bay but why, she isn't there. I could go back down south and sit outside our old house but why, she isn't there. She isn't anywhere in this world anymore. Not Claire like I knew and loved. She's gone and you're on your own to face your grief.  She's not in the pictures you have..they're just snapshots on paper of a time and life before.  They aren't now.   She's lives in your mind and she lives in Thom.  But it isn't Claire of before.  It cannot be.  It's her spirit which lives on.  That's separate to the person she was.  You'll never hold her again, kiss her, hold her hand, smell her hair, watch her sleep, moan to her, argue, laugh with her.  None of those things are possible like they once were before.  She won't laugh back, argue back, hold you, tell you to do stuff or offer direction in the way she once did.  She can't.  I'm sure she'd want to but she's dead.  My friend Dave said something yesterday.  You could run 30 marathons and raise thousands for charity but it wouldn't change that she died.  It won't bring her back. Wanting her back won't bring her back either.  Is this acceptance?

Accepting that Christmas will never be like it once was. We will never sit around the table as a family.  The three of us.  We'll never cook together, wash up, open presents.  I will never buy her another gift again. I will never send her another card.  I will never see her face again as she opens her present.  I will never have that challenge of buying her a present that tops last years.  I will never complain about her having to wrap so many presents because she bought for everyone.   I will never say Happy Christmas when she wakes up in the morning on Christmas morning.  I will never have that feeling with her on Xmas eve, excitement. I will never play in the snow with her, throw snowballs or have a snowman competition.  No more drinking together, and eating. None of it. That all went when she died. I will never have that conversation with her about what to get Thom for xmas and seeing his face together as he opens his presents.  I won't have the experience of putting the decorations up together or seeing cards addressed to Claire & Rich & Thom.  His birthday is coming up.  He won't ever have another party with you there. He won't have you ever sing Happy Birthday to him. All these losses....These cannot be replaced by anthing.  Yes, I can and I will rebuild my life and a new family but I have to acknowledge these losses for our life together.

We won't ever travel together, sleep together, take a car journey together. Listen to music, share our feelings, buy another house, garden, and enjoy the sunshine together. We won't do any of those things.  We won't see new things together, and experience new life together.  We can't and we won't because you died.  We won't ever watch our sleeping boy together and say how much we love him,  We won't decorate together. We won't have the excitement of looking at new houses together or deciding our future plans together. We won't watch new films together. We don't have a life together.  Is this acceptance?