It happened....One step at a time

Yesterday I cleared out more of Claire's things.  Stuff I kept after my first run though in March 2015.  I have cleared her medical notes and the folders she kept, the wig she was given following chemo, the remainder of her clothes which I kept in her leather hodal.  All the funeral and sympathy cards.  Stuff if I'm to move forwards I do not require to remember my beautiful wife.  The medical records remind me of the cancer...the sympathy cards serve no use to me now.  I know she was loved greatly and I don't need stuff to remind me of that.  It just makes me sad.  It was all up in the loft above the garage and everytime I go up there and feed the cat I'd see it so I took the opportunity now Dad was here to go through it and donate the clothes to charity and condense it all down into a box of treaured things.  I've kept a couple of dresses for Thom, her purse, passport and glasses along with some note books from her day to day life and her notes about her illness and how it was progressing for Thom in his future should he want to look at it.  I also got rid off her coats which were hanging in the spare room wardrobe.  They'll never be worn again so why do they need to be there.  I don't need reminding that she died and will no longer wear them so they've gone too.  I checked with Claire's Mum first to make sure she didn't want anything and she didn't.      How do i feel.....well it was hard, but it's another commitment to my future and my life as it is now and it will become.  I had a ton of dreams last night about all factors of my life and my past and there were elements of my future within it too.  I believe my brain has processed some more.    Having a clear out last night also brought up a conversation with my Dad.  He actually said how I annoy him in the way I deal with things...I took this as a compliment and the fact he felt able to express his real opinion with me.  That would of not happened a year ago. It led me to express my annoyance at the way he deals with things and bottles things up.  It felt good.  He then said he's outstayed his welcome and I said no not at all, thank you for being open.  I'd like you to do it more.  I feel closer to him than ever.   Yesterday had so many positives too.  Thom going on a bike ride with Lydia next door.  He got Star of the week for his attitude too.  So many positives out of what was a difficult day.   Me coming off the FaceBook group I wasn't happy with no looks like it will lead to me and another guy setting up one that suites our needs better so that was a win too.  Much love.  x