Letter to Claire

Morning Claire,

I felt the need to write. Maybe you can hear, maybe you can't.  You're not in this life anymore physically at least.  There's so much I want to tell you especially about Thom.  He's growing up to be a most wonderful boy.  He's funny, kind, caring and so strong willed.  Only this morning I said to him, what a great team we are together.  You'd love him now Claire at 6.   He's doing really well at school and got 6 out of 6 in his spellings this week for the second time.  I'm learning this parent stuff as we go along and he changes and gets older.  Spellings I decided to try and learn one word a night and it seems to be working well.  He's just started swimming lessons too and is already in Orange caps.  Last week I sat there and watched him, I was so proud and I know you'd be too.  At the end I gave him a kiss from me and a kiss from you too and told him how proud you'd be of him.  He had a lovely birthday at the village hall.  I decided to have it there again as last year at the house was a little too manic...(i'm learning baby). He had lots of his friends come and our friends and family too.  Paul and Amanda had a Highland cow cake made for him as he's cow mad at the moment. It was brilliant, I wish you could of seen it.  That annoying lady was there at the end and your mum and nanan were getting pissed off with her again, you'd of laughed at them. I hope they weren't too rude to her though.   I got him a new big boy bike for this birthday with good brakes and gears.  It's amazing to see him ride it Claire and it makes me realise how much he's grown. He's only fallen off twice properly since he's started riding so hopefully he's a bit more like me than you in that department.  He has lots of friends at school and is really popular.  He can be a bit shy at first but soon warms up. The other day I saw him playing with his friends in the playground and they were having so much fun together. He didn't see me watching him so it was great to see him in his own environment.  Yesterday we went to a party at a soft play area and I was amazed at how confident he's growing. He didn't need me so much as he used too and played happily with the other kids and at one point told me to go away.  There's so many things we could share Claire and I'll write again.  I've not done this before but today I felt like I wanted too.  We've had some great adventures already and I look forward to many more.  I don't know who I'm writing this for, for you or me, or to your spirit, I just want you to still be part of our lives.  I know you've gone, and that I'm heart broken but I need to involve you in our lives and share this stuff with you as I love you so very much and I miss you terribly and although you died, our love hasn't and nor has your spirit.  I carry you forward as does Thom.  Much love beautiful x

Something is changing

Something is changing....grief is evolving

25 months in, Thom's 6th birthday passed, Claire's 2nd anniversary and Christmas looming.  Ending things with Hels, it's been a challenging and difficult few months.  It's funny just writing that down just makes me think oh yeah, that'll be tough for anyone and gives me a different perspective.  

Thom's birthday this year I put from Mummy in his card too....I can't remember if I did that the first year but I certainly didn't do it last year.  I was, no I have to move forwards and she died so why would I?  Seems odd now but that's how I've been, pushing forwards, needing to be with someone...trying to recreate what I lost, trying to gain some security again, put the past behind. In hindsight before I was ready too.  Grief was something to get through, to process, to reach the otherside.  I've now learned that it's not that.  It's something to live with (forever) and you build your new life around it.  I can't push it away, or reach the other side, it doesn't work that way.  I can't find the answer on the internet or in books, I can't be cured of it.  This is a scary thought but also a freeing thought as I can relax into it a little more now and just allow it to be, however frustrating and helpless that makes me feel.

Since Claire died, I always felt the need that I had to be with someone....since reuniting with Hels and despite love being there I realised that I can't be with someone right now.  It was a hard lesson to learn, but my heart just isn't ready for that.  At the moment, I feel and fear that it may never be but I also appreciate that's where I'm currently and things evolve and it still really is early days since I lost my beautiful Claire.  

I've been feeling deep emotional pain and such sadness and some despair the last 5 days or so, and yesterday it found its way out to the surface and I had a very teary day...It needed to come out. I haven't cried so deeply in a while. Sitting on the floor just crying and feeling it all.  I miss Claire so very much and it's hitting home on an emotional level that this is forever and I'm allowing that pain in...I've given permission to myself to allow it fully.  By meeting and chatting to Nia and how she allows her grief to be there I've learned so much. Of course I've grieved over the past 2 years but it just feels much deeper now.  I guess that's a good thing. It means things are progressing however difficult it feels at the time.  I just read a note that Claire left Thom and for the first time I read it as 'she was saying goodbye'..she say's 'enjoy school Thom' and even though I've read that 100 times today it hit me on a different level. I guess my relationship with Claire is changing.

I have fear now too....fear of the future without her, fear of being on my own, although that no longer scares as it once did...fear of lack of security...fear if I am strong enough to do this.  It's scary knowing that shortness of life and that powerlessness of knowing what's around the corner.  But I also have a determination and a inner strength and kindness towards myself that is evolving too.

My relationship with Thom is also changing...he's such a happy little boy and I'm going to take credit for that.  Last night after we read his bedtime story, he got out his laminated pictures of Claire that we had for her funeral party.  They are pictures of various times and weddings etc.  Thom wanted to know 5 facts about each picture which was great as he's not done that before.  And then with a picture of Claire and I together he put it up to my face and pretended to be Claire and said, "I love you Rich", "You're the best Rich in the world", it was so special. Despite all the pain, Thom and I have had some amazing times this past week, from dancing to Elvis to wrestling and laughing together.   Things are changing......

She's not here...she's gone.

Fuck this is lonely....It's Sunday morning and I'm at home on my own.   Thom is with Kim and it's just me and the dog.  The absence of life here is huge.  I miss the Sunday morning feeling.  The feeling of being together with my wife and having my family together. To come back in from a dog walk and for her to be here and being busy.  To say, nice walk?   That'll never happen again....sure I may get to do it again with someone, but I won't ever do that with my Claire.  It's been 2 years, and how hard this right now is shocking me. I miss her so very much xx

The Christie's....

This time 2 years ago Claire was admitted into the Christie Hospital in Manchester.   I don't know why but today I feel the urge to write about that aspect of our life 2 years ago.  I want a record for Thom but it also helps me release lots of emotion and feelings that I couldn't face back then.  It's healing.

We'd gone the Monday after the first Ginge Fest.  The idea being we'd go and Claire would be put on the trial drug she'd been waiting for.  She'd gone 2 weeks without pain relief other than paracetamol and ibuprofen. I cannot imagine now how she did that with all the cancer and open wounds on her chest but somehow she did.  I'm in awe of this now. It stressed me out at the time knowing that she was in pain but desperate to get this potential lifeline so  went without her pain medication.  We'd been to St James' the day before Ginge fest to get Claire a blood transfusion to make sure she'd have the best chance too as her bloods were down and energy was lacking.  We turned up full of hope.  I remember the trial nurse being particularly lovely.  Not all were.  It soon transpired that our hopefulness about this trial wouldn't be enough.  Claire had an infection in her wound and she'd need to stay in hospital to get treatment.  We'd gone with no overnight bags or anything.  So with the disappointment in our hearts Claire agreed to stay for a couple of days to get the infection under control. I was to go home, pick up some clothes and other things for Claire.  I also had to go and pick up our new car which I'd planned to get that day too.  So I had to leave her there, no doubt she was scared as was I and head home and do what was required.  I drove home, then to York to swop the cars and then back to Manchester.  I didn't arrive till after 9pm and I was unable to find Claire.  Eventually I tracked her down on an open ward which must of been nearly 10pm.   It was an old part of the hospital and reminded me of a dormitory.  I don't recall there being many other patients there but when Claire saw me walking in, she started crying.  She didn't think I'd make it back and she felt so alone.  The lady next to her who looked gravely ill had been comforting Claire in my absence.  She'd gone in full of hope but now looked so frightened and alone. I comforted her the best I could, hiding my sadness about it all and my pain of seeing her look so desperate.  I stayed with er for a couple of hours and then I went to a local hotel.  I bought some beer and sat there not knowing what was ahead.

I think the next day when i'd gone in they'd moved her to another ward.  This was where she was to remain for the next 2 weeks. It was always hard going back in in the morning as I never knew what I'd find. How she'd be.  Thinking back it now reminds me of when I had to go and visit Mum in hospital those 3 months which she was in there for.  It was always a rollacoaster and there was always fear of now knowing how she'd be when you went it.   I think Claire was ok I can't remember specifically.  I remember her telling me what else to bring in for her and what she needed.  We went for a scan and I remember pushing her in the wheel chair and the room being so full of people who were also waiting for a scan. The results of that scan were that she needed some more fluid draining from her lungs and so she was booked in for that later in the week.  We were still positive of getting on the trial at this stage.=======

Things are never straight forward when cancer is involved. Claire had the drain fitted to her lung and they wanted to drain at least 2 liters off before it could be removed.  The drains were a big flexible tube attached to a container with measurement marking up the side and a clip that could be hooked to the side of the bed.  It connected to Claire via a smaller tube they'd inserted via her back and into her lung area.  The liquid was a yellowish color with the occasional blood clot in for good measure.  Not a nice sight for me to look at let alone Claire to have to have it inserted in her body.  This was I think the third drain she'd had so in a funny way it was familiar.  There was a relief in having it as this meant pressure was taken off her lung when the liquid drained so breathing was easier.  I remember her anxiety about how much liquid was being drained.  I remember being with her there when she wanted a shower.  I went with her into the shower / toilet block and felt so fucking useless.  There was my wife, her breast missing, her wound open, her scars from the operations, the drain inserted into her trying to get washed.  I just felt in the way, there was nothing I could do other than bath her back and just over fuss much to her annoyance.  Looking back, how can I prepare for that? I can't but it was just so very hard to see her there so helpless even taking a shower.

Her spirits where quite high though despite all this.  One evening I went into central Manchester to the 'curry mile' to get us a takeaway and to give Claire a break from hospital food.  I did my research and tracked down the place with the best reviews.  I was determined to get the best curry for Claire. We sat in the main day day area and ate the most amazing curry together as the smell wafted through the ward.  I can still remember Claire saying that it was the best curry she'd ever had.  That was a special moment.  Other special moments where going down to breakfast together and getting egg baps and eating them outside and discussing taking Thom to Euro Disney when Claire got back out.

Is this acceptance?

Whatever I do...she's not coming back.  She's gone.

It hurts so much to type this.  She's gone. Never ever to be seen again.  Lost to me and Thom and our family.  Our family has gone. Lost...taken away...finished as it used to be.  It doesn't exit anymore like it once did.   Nothing will ever bring that back.  It can't be replaced. It doesn't exist anymore.  You no longer have a wife.  She died of breast cancer nearly 2 years ago.  She died in your arms.  THat was her gone when she let out her last breaths cradled in your arms.  It died then...your dreams for the future together left you then.  No about of why's what if's or guilt is bring it back.  It's gone forever. Because she's dead she doesn't care about you now or what you do with your life.  She can't she's gone. She had her wishes.  They were to put Thom first and be happy.  You will be happy, but first you have to accept that she died and that's it. The yearning for her back....so deep...won't bring her back. I know the why's will never be answered so why ask anymore...there isn't a fucking answer. There could never be a fucking answer as to why we lost Claire.  No reason...no plan..just bad fucking luck.  I did everything I could, yes I could of been more supportive but you can always do better in hindsight,  What I do know is that I loved her and would of supported her for the rest of my life.  There's no where I can go....I could go the Robin Hoods Bay but why, she isn't there. I could go back down south and sit outside our old house but why, she isn't there. She isn't anywhere in this world anymore. Not Claire like I knew and loved. She's gone and you're on your own to face your grief.  She's not in the pictures you have..they're just snapshots on paper of a time and life before.  They aren't now.   She's lives in your mind and she lives in Thom.  But it isn't Claire of before.  It cannot be.  It's her spirit which lives on.  That's separate to the person she was.  You'll never hold her again, kiss her, hold her hand, smell her hair, watch her sleep, moan to her, argue, laugh with her.  None of those things are possible like they once were before.  She won't laugh back, argue back, hold you, tell you to do stuff or offer direction in the way she once did.  She can't.  I'm sure she'd want to but she's dead.  My friend Dave said something yesterday.  You could run 30 marathons and raise thousands for charity but it wouldn't change that she died.  It won't bring her back. Wanting her back won't bring her back either.  Is this acceptance?

Accepting that Christmas will never be like it once was. We will never sit around the table as a family.  The three of us.  We'll never cook together, wash up, open presents.  I will never buy her another gift again. I will never send her another card.  I will never see her face again as she opens her present.  I will never have that challenge of buying her a present that tops last years.  I will never complain about her having to wrap so many presents because she bought for everyone.   I will never say Happy Christmas when she wakes up in the morning on Christmas morning.  I will never have that feeling with her on Xmas eve, excitement. I will never play in the snow with her, throw snowballs or have a snowman competition.  No more drinking together, and eating. None of it. That all went when she died. I will never have that conversation with her about what to get Thom for xmas and seeing his face together as he opens his presents.  I won't have the experience of putting the decorations up together or seeing cards addressed to Claire & Rich & Thom.  His birthday is coming up.  He won't ever have another party with you there. He won't have you ever sing Happy Birthday to him. All these losses....These cannot be replaced by anthing.  Yes, I can and I will rebuild my life and a new family but I have to acknowledge these losses for our life together.

We won't ever travel together, sleep together, take a car journey together. Listen to music, share our feelings, buy another house, garden, and enjoy the sunshine together. We won't do any of those things.  We won't see new things together, and experience new life together.  We can't and we won't because you died.  We won't ever watch our sleeping boy together and say how much we love him,  We won't decorate together. We won't have the excitement of looking at new houses together or deciding our future plans together. We won't watch new films together. We don't have a life together.  Is this acceptance?

Name change....

I've decided it's time to change the name of my blog from 'Wonderful Life' to 'Crazy Beautiful Life'.  This seems more fitting as to what I now understand about this life and where I currently am in it nearly 2 years down the line.  'Crazy Beautiful Life' was a saying I had when I was reconnected with Hels and it seemed to sum up this journey.

It happened....One step at a time

Yesterday I cleared out more of Claire's things.  Stuff I kept after my first run though in March 2015.  I have cleared her medical notes and the folders she kept, the wig she was given following chemo, the remainder of her clothes which I kept in her leather hodal.  All the funeral and sympathy cards.  Stuff if I'm to move forwards I do not require to remember my beautiful wife.  The medical records remind me of the cancer...the sympathy cards serve no use to me now.  I know she was loved greatly and I don't need stuff to remind me of that.  It just makes me sad.  It was all up in the loft above the garage and everytime I go up there and feed the cat I'd see it so I took the opportunity now Dad was here to go through it and donate the clothes to charity and condense it all down into a box of treaured things.  I've kept a couple of dresses for Thom, her purse, passport and glasses along with some note books from her day to day life and her notes about her illness and how it was progressing for Thom in his future should he want to look at it.  I also got rid off her coats which were hanging in the spare room wardrobe.  They'll never be worn again so why do they need to be there.  I don't need reminding that she died and will no longer wear them so they've gone too.  I checked with Claire's Mum first to make sure she didn't want anything and she didn't.      How do i feel.....well it was hard, but it's another commitment to my future and my life as it is now and it will become.  I had a ton of dreams last night about all factors of my life and my past and there were elements of my future within it too.  I believe my brain has processed some more.    Having a clear out last night also brought up a conversation with my Dad.  He actually said how I annoy him in the way I deal with things...I took this as a compliment and the fact he felt able to express his real opinion with me.  That would of not happened a year ago. It led me to express my annoyance at the way he deals with things and bottles things up.  It felt good.  He then said he's outstayed his welcome and I said no not at all, thank you for being open.  I'd like you to do it more.  I feel closer to him than ever.   Yesterday had so many positives too.  Thom going on a bike ride with Lydia next door.  He got Star of the week for his attitude too.  So many positives out of what was a difficult day.   Me coming off the FaceBook group I wasn't happy with no looks like it will lead to me and another guy setting up one that suites our needs better so that was a win too.  Much love.  x

Into the Abyss

Into the Abyss
I’ve had a tough week….really tough. I’ve wanted to give up. I’ve wanted to die. (Don’t get frightened – I don’t intend on doing anything of the sorts) I just wanted to be open about how rubbish losing something so precious to you makes you feel. I felt brave enough to feel those feelings. They scared me. I reached out to my friends.….to my father, to my widow support which I’ve grown in the past year. I felt that abyss fully. I shared it with Hels...I took a risk to let it been seen by the woman I love.  Why now? I guess I’m ready to. I hate every second of it…how heavy if felt…how despairing it made me feel..how useless I felt…how ungrateful I felt…how alone I felt…how unending it felt…how hopeless if felt. I survived this visit. I rode that wave….I went into it and felt it in all its awfulness. And here I am a day later different again… I slept…I woke up with more energy….I feel more me. It’s lingering and revisiting now and again but I feel closer to my Claire. Closer to my Dad…closer to myself. I can’t stay in that place…my life isn’t there…no life is there but it was important that I visited and suspect I will have to again shortly but this time I know I can do it and growth comes from it. 

I spent time alone yesterday being and not doing..just being.....the upshot was a feeling of connection with myself that's new.....It was a positive thing.  The anxiety I've been feeling changed last night and instead of anxious I felt the deepest pain I've felt in these nearly 2 years.  Not the raw lying on the floor in a fetal position of last year but a deep ache in my soul.  The realisation that I can't manage it, push it away or control it has left me more open to it.  Oh my it's uncomfortable...It's a deep pain in my belly....some moments it feels unbearable...and then others ok. I felt calm though despite feeling it.  I could feel it's shape...it's sides.  It's not endless however endless or bottomless it feels.  I don't fear it anymore.  There's feelings for what I would call 'acceptance'...'but it's not the 'acceptance' I strove for in those early days for that doesn't exist.  I thought 'acceptance' was a feeling of being normal again, no more feelings of grief, happy.....that doesn't exist and that's not acceptance.  That's denial.  'Acceptance' I now think is 'accepting all of these feelings' and of my loss.  Accepting that grief is part of my life as are the complicated feelings that come with it. Accepting that I will always mourn Claire and my old life just like I'll always miss my mum and other people I've loved. You don't move on....you move forward and you rebuild with all of the above incorporated in your new life.

A day of stillness

A day of stillness…..

Today, I’ve done nothing….nothing on my own……I’ve sat by the river, watched the sky, listened to the water……I haven’t achieved anything in the normal ‘doing’ sense. But I’ve achieved lots in the ‘being’ sense……

I’ve had anxiety the last few days….it’s affected my sleep but I’m ok…it needs to be there and i don’t have to control it. I learned that today…I don’t need to escape it (although that would be my tendency) and keep busy to control it. I’ve just let myself be and feel whatever came up and as a result I feel more connected to myself and the world. What happened to me was an awful thing which i had no control over…..we don’t have any control over anything other than ourselves I realize….and the way we can control outselves isn’t rying to control our feelings, it’s letting them be there and feeling them. It dawned on me earlier, that this is what letting go means and not letting our loved ones go…it’s letting go of the illusion of control. Oh…and yesterday I laughed so so so deeply and it felt amazing…I was hysterical and couldn’t catch my breath. i laughed like a child with no worries or concerns. I love who I’m becoming however difficult some of my feelings are. They are mine, and they are there for a reason. Much love x

Chapel of Rest...

Chapel of rest....

No one came with me....I went alone.  I drove myself alone....It was in Pateley Bridge, behind the museum. It was a dark October night as I parked up.  I walked over to the building which was basically a glorified shed.  The undertaker met me there. I'd been given thing from the children to put in Claire's coffin.  Heart shaped items, posters the girls had done, photos.  He took me through from the entrance where I could see the flowers that had been made for Claire.  The word 'Ginge'' was there in a floral pattern.  And then he took me through into another room where they had put Claire. And then I was left......alone....with the body of my dead wife in her wedding dress in the coffin I had chosen.   So cold...so lifeless. I think there was music playing....and there i stood....not knowing what to do. Do I touch her....I did, I touched her hand and it was solid and cold where once there was warmth and softness. And then I placed everything I'd been given in there with her. I didn't know if I was allowed to do it so I just placed it in there with her. She just looked dead. Lifeless....her nose was wonkey.... I couldn't stay long....I couldn't bear it. I think I kissed her head and again so cold. I suspect I said something to her body as I left....I can't remember....And then I drove myself home.  I can't remember coming into the house. Claire's mum and nan and Keith would of been there....but I don't remember any of the conversations.  I'm angry that I went alone. No One was there for me. They couldn't face it....they didn't want to see her like that.  But I had too....I had to be the one who did it. I wanted to do it but I had no idea of the impact on me. I never saw my mum....I regretted it and I think that's why I felt duty bound to go.  It was my beautiful wife who had been so brave and who's side I'd been next too all along this journey so that's why I went. I'm crying my tears for that night now as i write this. I need to do it now. 

Crazy Beautiful Life.

Crazy Beautiful Life.

New futures....new love....new life....new me..........scary pie.

I had the most wonderful night last night.  Playing in the park with Hels and her beautiful girls.  Their spirit shines from their eyes.  I felt amazing, accepted, part of something bigger...inspired by them all.  The last couple of weeks have been strange to say the least....Canada, reunited with Hels, ginge fest....I'm exhausted by it and everything that's happened.  I'm so proud of myself for getting this far and how I'm handling it.  Being kinder to myself, watching and not judging and being honest with myself and everyone else. I love who I've become and who I'm continuing to grow into.

My first solo trip

I just got back from my first weekend 'ever' away on my own....and it was actually really good and I enjoyed it. Camped up in Borrowdale in the Lake District. It did me a lot of good and I think is a sign of me moving forward and healing some more and getting used to this single life. Before Claire died and after my biggest fear was being alone and that's no longer the case. I'm free now to do what I want to do and go where I want to go....that's both scary and liberating at the same time. Onwards. 

Thom learns to ride....

Wow...last week Thom learned to ride his bike without my support for the first time. How amazingly proud do I feel. Since then he's been on it each and every day and is a natural. We've even had a ride together to Pateley Bridge for Fish and Chips. It won't be long before he's faster than his Dad.  Such a mix of emotions. Pride, happiness mixed with despair that his mum can't see it and how much she'd of loved seeing him. There are going to be many moments like this I know. I need to let the feelings come when they need too but also see the happy side of all of this. I'm doing well as his Dad...I'm proud of me too but it still hurts like nothing I've known before.

April...marks a year and a half.....

I shouldn’t be in this position…..I should be with my wife. I hate that I’m not. I’m longing to be with you again. And to know I can never be is the hardest part. I want our family back , our unit. But I can’t….This is my normal now. I’m finding my path….It’s not that I don’t want to find my path, I do, I want to, but it just makes me realise each time what I had, what I lost. And I need to feel that…I am feeling that. I’m having fun, I’m enjoying life….but it’s not the same as when you were here. It’s different…and when I look around me I can see the new life I’m creating and that makes me miss you more. It’ll be a year and a half in a few weeks since you died….I know that you’d be proud of me. I’m living our dream, but I never imagined living it on my own. The things I’ve seen, I’d love to share with you, be having adventures with you…no one else. But I can’t…so I have them alone, or with Thom, or with friends (old and new). Going for coffee with new friends to places you’d of loved but never got to see….seeing the sunset over the hill…watching the lambs appear and play in the fields, messing about down by the river. I’m doing these things with people when I just wish I could do this all with you. I miss our companionship and our bond which transcended words…we just knew we had each other and we shared a kindred spirit. That smile…I so miss that smile. I’ve met some special people, I’m building this life but I’m always going to miss you….I’m always going to think of you when I go somewhere new…I don’t think that pain will ever leave. Thank you Claire for everything. I love you more than anyone could ever love someone. x

Gisburn

My first time riding at Gisburn in the forest of Bowland. Loved it despite the very wet weather. Very technical in places and some great down hill sections and loved Hully Gully! Shall be back when it's dry :)

Fishing....

Our first fishing experience on the Nidd!  We caught a trout and had 2 come off the hook.  Thom really enjoyed it so now we'll get some membership sorted so not to ruffle the locals feathers.....oops too late.

Life despite grief.

Hard few weeks...Some feelings of depression and disrupted sleep. I could easily lock myself away and not engage with life at the moment. Part of my brain wants that but there's a part that's reached out for support and brought life...This weekend I've done alot of biking and it's been brilliant to get out doors and be with people.

Missing Mum.

My Mum died on 5th April 2004.  I miss my mum....I miss my mum so much...she was my safety blanket...as long as she was around I’d be ok....and she went.  She died....She died in a horrible way....I felt helpless.   I had no support...I’m angry about this...it hurts so much and I  never listened to my grief....I never did....I didn’t acknowledge my feelings...no one did....they were dismissed....you had to be strong..keep going, I didn't know how to deal with it so I guess I buried it..  Be there for others.  I’ve had enough of being there for others...I'm now here for me. Mum did in her way.....I felt safe when she was here.  She was my mum...the person who gave birth to me...pure unconditional love. Not perfect, far from it and I understand now that she was flawed but she loved me...and I miss that so much.  I’m frustrated, and angry and sad that I do not have her in my life anymore.  To call, to speak to, to hold, to get annoyed with, to share what we’re doing, for saying how proud I am of what we’ve done.    To help me through this difficult time after losing Claire....to just hold me so I can cry. I love you so much Mum and to know you are not here hurts....  I can feel you shifting inside me as I grow.  You weren’t much support or offered much direction, but to know you were there was so important to me. When I did move out and start to become an adult was when I lost you, when I’d just started to open up to you went.  My survivor became my security blanket when you left.  I no longer need it, but to let it go means to fully acknowledge my loss of my mum.  

Whitby with Nini and Scot

12th March saw us revisit Whitby. I've not been back since Claire died and it was a hard trip to make.  Lots of memories there as we spent lots of time there in 2014 and making use of Claires disables sticker. We last were here in Sept 2014 and we did lots of the same again this time...boat trip..donkeys...beach. It was a good day and glad we revisited and made some new memories. Thom and Eli had a blast!

Grief...acknowledging

Grief cleanse…So today I’ve mostly cried and felt the deepest grief I’ve felt ever….I’ve used some mindfulness and just let myself feel it and let it be there and I also journalled. I’m proud of myself for doing this and I’m also going to share this with my friends as I feel I want them to understand my journey. I’ll give them the choice of reading it or not. Here’s what I wrote in the midst of the grief…

To have someone you love die in your arms when you should be looking forward to your future and raising your child together…does anyone actually know what that’s like? To have to go and see your dead wife on your own in the chapel of rest when she’s in her wedding dress and place things in her coffin made by the children who she loved dearly….It’s impossible….but I had to do it. To ring up our friends and tell them that she died.  To watch the undertaker carry her body out of our family home and out of the front door.  To have to tell your 3 year old son the next day that him mummy died and that she's no longer here,,,, Why me? No idea…..I cannot begin to tell you how much that hurts I’ve just had my first ever real panic attack writing this….it feels like part of your soul is being ripped from you….and that is what’s happening. Your old life dies there and then….you’ll try and try and try to keep it going..the old life but you cannot. But still you’ll try….and then you’ll try and diminish it’s impact….but that won’t work. Eventually you’ll have to feel the pain. But before then you’ll try and live again….you’ll try and rebuild…move forwards but until that pain and that loss is acknowledged and all of the other tiny losses and bigger losses that losing that person means to you are felt. No one warns you about that….No one. The anger / rage you will feel and you have nowhere to direct it so it goes inwards…..you attack yourself as you cannot give it to anyone else. You get angry at the person for abandoning you…for leaving you, for them getting the easier option. Then you feel guilt…guilt for still being alive…for feeling happy again, for laughing, for being with other people who make you feel good…for living. To have to go on. For hearing people saying how fucking brave you are….how they can’t imagine…..it’s not bravery…its survival…it’s clinging onto life with sometimes just your finger tips. To have to raise a child without his mum….a child who sometimes longs to be with his mum….who sometimes says he’s forgetting her…a child who tries to cheer you up when you feel sad. A child you sometimes feel resentment for as you never wanted to be a single parent and it’s so hard having to be the one who’s looking after him alone. To watch him sleep when you know his mum loved him so much but you know that he’ll never meet her again…I’ll never see her again. To know that your own mum never got to meet him, and that she isn’t here to support you. To sleep alone, to wake alone, to have to make every single decision on your own. To meet some amazing people who make your heart skip again and then only to realise that you’re still not ready and have yet more pain and hurt to process and then deal with the loss of them again and being alone again.  To see friends have babies when you would of loved the opportunity to have another one with your wife but that was also taken from you, (of course I'm happy for them but it still hurts).  To live in a place that was our joint dream alone and not to be able to share the place I find with Claire. To live 50 miles away from Claire’s family and have your own family 200 miles away. To be the only dad there every day to pick up your son and see all the other mums doing it and realising that Thom or Claire will never have that. To have to work again, to get bogged down with the mundane, the people moaning about shit in their lives and material crap when you’ve had an inside into how precious and wonderful and short this life is…to just smile and say to yourself they have no idea. To have to rely on people when you were part of an amazing and self sufficient team and are proudly independent. To feel trapped and unable to go work in an office that's local and see colleagues as easy as you liked when Claire was here.  The loss of freedom... To have people avoid you, to avoid talking about your loss, to change the subject as they are uncomfortable about talking about death and feelings. To have people say at least you have Thom to focus on when you just want them to acknowledge your hurt and feelings. To have them say you are ‘troubled’….I’m not troubled, I’m not broken…I don’t want you to fix me I just want you to acknowledge how hard this is for me and just listen. Just say Hi now and again.

I’m am so grateful to be alive and I believe I’m living an even fuller life than I was before…I’m certainly more ‘me’ now and I know myself so much better and I’m so proud of what I’ve done and who both I and Thom have become and our growth in the 17 months since Claire died but sometimes like today I need to express all of these feelings and to be validated for everything I’ve had to endure and survive so far.  I know there are others also on this journey and others far far worse off but in this blog I'm honoring my own feelings and acknowledging them for me.  This isn't about feeling sorry for myself..this is about healing.